My Father...

This is probably the first time I've written anything about my biological family at all...

Today, I had the opportunity to have lunch with my father. It was him, his lady friend (never met her before), my teenage brother and myself. Overall, it was good seeing him. For the most part, it was casual conversation. Updating him on my Dream Chase and other things.

During the whole time I was with him, I was just thinking... My father is a flawed man like any other man. He is one of those fathers that fathered children with multiple women. Once upon a time, he was married (not to my mother). But now... he's just a single, hardworking man. He's a grandfather now. Relationships, marriage is always a topic of conversation for a man my age. Many consider me wise for my age. I may know a lot of things, but there's still I don't know. But there's thing I do know...my father wasn't built for marriage. Ask his exes. lol. But seriously...I believe he's a good guy. Just a bad husband. As a father... the verdict is still out. I can easily say "no" considering that he wasn't around when I was growing up. But that would be unfair considering that I don't know all the facts. I don't know what was going on back then when I was a baby, or the details about the relationship he had with my mother before my conception. I lack too many details to come to a conclusion about his fathering skills towards me or any other of my siblings (I'm the only child with my mother).

So I was listening to a few stories about his father, my grandfather. I was listening, but at the same time, I was wondering what was my father's thought process when he became my father...or a father to any of us. Did he want to be around? Did he ever imagine having a son to take under his wing and build him into a strong black man? Were we an inconvenience? I wonder... One day, I plan to sit down, pick his brain and ask him. There's no rush knowing, though. Just a thought.

More and more over the past year, I have noticed I carry a lot of his traits. He likes to be alone, he enjoys his solitude, he loves watching movies, he like things exactly his way, he loves women, he don't like a woman that has a lot of mouth. When he's pissed, he's pissed...it takes a lot for him to calm down. He enjoys fresh air. He loves to keep Life simple. ....I carry those traits. Those traits come with a hint of selfishness. Yet, he's willing to help others. Especially, when it comes to family. He loves his family. I haven't been around him that much throughout my life, but I can sense that a mile away. So...like any other human, there's good and bad. Never thought I would see so much of my self in him...or should I say him in me. Its quite a revelation.

After spending time with my father, I had a meeting with a future bride. She's beautiful, intelligent and very excited about getting married in the coming months. Her smile made me smile. I could tell she's a genuine person. Her mother was right there with her, just as happy. I can tell she raised her well. This bride is ready to be joined into one with her best friend. She's willing to lose a part of self to gain self. A transformation she's looking for to. She's willing to lose her life to gain a new life with him. ....that is deep. I honestly don't know if I'm willing to do that. I'm beginning to understand what the apostle Paul was saying. Andre 3000 yelled the same thing, "DON'T DO IT, ICE COLD!!!" LOL. Dude was serious. But on the other side of things, words from my pastor is whispering, "Marriage is the best thing to happen to me besides salvation". One vision, I see myself living a full life as a single man...alone, but free. Free with no obligation to anyone else. Living a happy life with a void. No wife. No kids. ...The other vision is the complete opposite. I marry the love of my life. The missing piece to my puzzle. Living in a God-ordained marriage, kids...ups and downs but complete fulfillment.

... I'm human. I'm so human. Yes, I'm a Dreamer. I have the traits, the passion, the thoughts of a Dreamer. But sometimes I have to remember that I'm still part-human as well. The human side of me is a man of doubt, flaws and selfishness. I like being alone. I don't like being alone. Its sounds like a contradiction, but to me it makes perfect sense. Today, I didn't to any conclusion. I don't expect to find a answer to these life questions anything soon. But I think today was a productive day. It gave an insight. I learned something about myself. I guess in the end...that's all I can ask for...

Thoughts...

"Actions breathe life into Ideas."
"An Idea not followed by Action is dead."
"Actions is the connecting point that transcends Dreams into Reality. That Action must be powered by Faith." -Dreamer

My Heart... Exposed

My Heart... Exposed
The thoughts of the Dreamer
Christopher Bell and Trevor Terry

I am worried
because is Dangerous
methodically
making love to me through the lens
teasing my senses...
I wish I were senseless
so I wouldn't feel this
but I am a human being
honest

you are not in love with me
you are fascinated with my gift
not my soul
you cherish what i
know,
what we can create,
why can't you see that there's so much more to appreciate
if we were to be together
we could commit to more than just a common goal
we would become so much more
but the price of that sacrifice
may end up being more than I can afford.

So what must I do
to finally undress the real you?
I can only hope my pen finds success
in reaching beyond the actress.
I want to uncover the girl you're protecting
beneath the surface
because there's much more of you
I would love to discover...

But I don't know my next step
I can only wait
and pray that Patience
is stronger than Fate.
I am offering you all I have
there is nothing left for me to communicate
and I only want Honesty in return
stop hiding
I am only as transparent as you make me
only you have the power
to save me from all this future pain
rescue me from myself
and please
don't let my heart
have been exposed in vain.

I wish to talk to the Real you
not the person you choose to be
whenever you are around me
or the woman you want the world to see
no,
I long to caress your true identity...

Thought of the Day

"Why check the brakes when you don't intend to stop?.. keep movin'!" -Dreamer

Thought of the Day

"Working too much doesn't concern me. Too much idle time does..."

-Dreamer

Quote/Thought

"Yes, I still love you, but don't think I'm waiting on you..."

I may not be able to control my feelings, but I can control my actions.