My Father...

This is probably the first time I've written anything about my biological family at all...

Today, I had the opportunity to have lunch with my father. It was him, his lady friend (never met her before), my teenage brother and myself. Overall, it was good seeing him. For the most part, it was casual conversation. Updating him on my Dream Chase and other things.

During the whole time I was with him, I was just thinking... My father is a flawed man like any other man. He is one of those fathers that fathered children with multiple women. Once upon a time, he was married (not to my mother). But now... he's just a single, hardworking man. He's a grandfather now. Relationships, marriage is always a topic of conversation for a man my age. Many consider me wise for my age. I may know a lot of things, but there's still I don't know. But there's thing I do know...my father wasn't built for marriage. Ask his exes. lol. But seriously...I believe he's a good guy. Just a bad husband. As a father... the verdict is still out. I can easily say "no" considering that he wasn't around when I was growing up. But that would be unfair considering that I don't know all the facts. I don't know what was going on back then when I was a baby, or the details about the relationship he had with my mother before my conception. I lack too many details to come to a conclusion about his fathering skills towards me or any other of my siblings (I'm the only child with my mother).

So I was listening to a few stories about his father, my grandfather. I was listening, but at the same time, I was wondering what was my father's thought process when he became my father...or a father to any of us. Did he want to be around? Did he ever imagine having a son to take under his wing and build him into a strong black man? Were we an inconvenience? I wonder... One day, I plan to sit down, pick his brain and ask him. There's no rush knowing, though. Just a thought.

More and more over the past year, I have noticed I carry a lot of his traits. He likes to be alone, he enjoys his solitude, he loves watching movies, he like things exactly his way, he loves women, he don't like a woman that has a lot of mouth. When he's pissed, he's pissed...it takes a lot for him to calm down. He enjoys fresh air. He loves to keep Life simple. ....I carry those traits. Those traits come with a hint of selfishness. Yet, he's willing to help others. Especially, when it comes to family. He loves his family. I haven't been around him that much throughout my life, but I can sense that a mile away. So...like any other human, there's good and bad. Never thought I would see so much of my self in him...or should I say him in me. Its quite a revelation.

After spending time with my father, I had a meeting with a future bride. She's beautiful, intelligent and very excited about getting married in the coming months. Her smile made me smile. I could tell she's a genuine person. Her mother was right there with her, just as happy. I can tell she raised her well. This bride is ready to be joined into one with her best friend. She's willing to lose a part of self to gain self. A transformation she's looking for to. She's willing to lose her life to gain a new life with him. ....that is deep. I honestly don't know if I'm willing to do that. I'm beginning to understand what the apostle Paul was saying. Andre 3000 yelled the same thing, "DON'T DO IT, ICE COLD!!!" LOL. Dude was serious. But on the other side of things, words from my pastor is whispering, "Marriage is the best thing to happen to me besides salvation". One vision, I see myself living a full life as a single man...alone, but free. Free with no obligation to anyone else. Living a happy life with a void. No wife. No kids. ...The other vision is the complete opposite. I marry the love of my life. The missing piece to my puzzle. Living in a God-ordained marriage, kids...ups and downs but complete fulfillment.

... I'm human. I'm so human. Yes, I'm a Dreamer. I have the traits, the passion, the thoughts of a Dreamer. But sometimes I have to remember that I'm still part-human as well. The human side of me is a man of doubt, flaws and selfishness. I like being alone. I don't like being alone. Its sounds like a contradiction, but to me it makes perfect sense. Today, I didn't to any conclusion. I don't expect to find a answer to these life questions anything soon. But I think today was a productive day. It gave an insight. I learned something about myself. I guess in the end...that's all I can ask for...