The King's Garden

The COOL Promo -ATL

2010-08-14T14:15:00.002-05:00

To Live. To Inspire. - INSPIRE Magazine

2010-04-22T16:50:00.002-05:00

I do have some thoughts to share, but maybe another time. Been working on a lot of things on this end. Earlier this week, NING.. the creator and owner of millions of NING Social Networks, including mine will be shutting its doors of its free ad-supported services. Which means... The COOL Social Network will be shut down in about 2 months. So..what's the plan? Well, we been working overtime working on a solution and we found it --- INSPIRE MAGAZINE.

INSPIRE MAGAZINE - will be available in print AND online. We found a publisher. We found a way a way to keep the costs down to only $6 an issue for 20 full-color pages. The plan is to be ready for launch by July. Which means, everything on our end needs to be ready by the end of May. And by the look of things, we will be on schedule.

REASONS -

1. A new way of presenting our art and photography
2. The reading Black community is REALLLLY lacking. Personally, I'm tired of going to the bookstore, walking to the "African-American" section and seeing nothing but the typical "Black love stories". I wanna read something refreshing.
3. Bring other like-minded writers together, network, come together...
4. To showcase upcoming talent. Up-and-coming artists, published writers, businesses.

SUBMISSIONS -

We are looking for submissions.. poetry, blog entries, short stories...anything interesting. Chosen works will be of course credited to you. You will still have your copyrights. We'll be willing to post your contact info and weblink. If you're interested in submitting material, please email it to me, Christopher Bell at icecoldbell@gmail.com

GAMEPLAN -

The gameplan is to keep the bulk of the magazine's material in the print version only. But add special "bonus" features on the online version. For example, if we're doing an artist spotlight on an upcoming rapper. His article/interview will be printed in the magazine, but online they can hear sample tracks and even video and links to their website if the reader wants to know more about them. It just adds to the experience.

DISTRIBUTION -

We'll be going through a POD (print on demand) publisher, which means the magazine will only be for sale online then shipped to the reader. As we grow, and more opportunities arise, maybe we can order some in bulk and have them sold in person.

FINAL PRODUCT -

The great thing about going independent is full creative control. All the details are done by us, even down to the cover and the layout. We, The COOL, always been known for our "polished, professional" look. The magazine will be no different. It will not look cheesy or low-grade. The magazine will be printed on premium high-quality paper. It costs more per page for us to print. That's why each issue will only be 20 pages. But its 20 pages with hardly any ads in it. So, its more content for the buck.

Any other questions... hit me up!

Christopher Bell
601.668.7852
icecoldbell@gmail.com

INSPIRE MAGAZINE in progress. See a preview here: http://blackinspired.wordpress.com/

Sample Magazine layout here: http://magcloud.com/browse/Issue/75282

Thoughts of a Dreamer

2010-04-01T11:59:00.000-05:00

Its been a minute since I made a post... here's some updates..

FIGHTERS: New Orleans
photos here: http://www.teu2008.com/2010_cool/gallery_fighters.html

Well as most of you know, Fighters was a total success!!! The photos came out beautifully. Pretty much exactly how I imagined it. For the most part, the project was executed smoothly. Women came out and supported it, we enjoyed working with each of them. Met some great people. We worked hard and had a great time. But we were soooo drained. So the team stopped for food and a couple of drinks before heading back to Jackson. But we all loved it and look forward to working in other cities this year.

Thoughts of a Dreamer
www.kingdreamer.com

I also been busy compiling my first book release in 4 years!!! It is titled, Thoughts of a Dreamer. Its a small 62-page read about my thoughts, broken down in three chapters. Instead waiting to compile a full-fledge release of The King's Garden. I decided to take a page from Janelle Monae and release the book in "suites". So, next week I'm introducing the first installment. The book itself contain a lot of entries from The King's Garden, but also material I didn't publish in the blog. And everything been rearranged because there's a certain way I wanted the book to be presented. Even though this is my smallest book release, I also believe its one of my best work. I also wanted to keep my work affordable, so the book will retail at only $10.00. I'm really excited to get these thoughts out to the public. Half the book is inspirational, my reflections of my spiritual life...the other half more sensual, with a touch of freaky. ;-) This is not a typical poetry book. Its a reflection of me, half-human and half-Dreamer. So..check it out! IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!! ...maybe not. But its still a good read. :-)

Time for me to get back to work..until next time.

FIGHTERS Preview: The Calm before the Storm...

2010-02-25T18:55:00.000-06:00

The title entry is tentative... I have no idea what to name this.

In less than 72 hours...my life, my career will change once again. I am nervous, I am calm, I am confident, I am anxious.

When I came up with the concept FIGHTERS, it was an idea...an emotion, something I was feeling. It was an attitude that I had towards life. But now that this project is about to come to life, everything's changed. This project has become bigger than me and the rest of the COOL. It is so much more now. In the words of my brother Jeremy, "HISTORY will be made. This will be a day to remember." ....at the time he said it, I laughed. But as time went by, I realized he is right.

The past week or so been crazy as hell for me. Between my regular bookings and sub-contract work, I hardly had any time to buckle down and focus in on my project until now. The overall concept may seem quite simple, but this project involves a lot of risks, lots of logistical planning and organization and just being prepared for anything.

This project is the beginning of a whole new system. This project will set the tone for the rest of the year. And I got to be ready for anything. I been nervous about everything, analyzing every detail, wondering if I can really pull this off. But this week...has been quite a revelation. Within seven days of a project, I called it PROJECT WEEK. Usually it is the most hectic week narrowing down all the final details. Keeping contact with all the models, making sure they have all the information and documentation they need. Keeping track of the expenses. Shitload of stuff. lol. And for the most part, PROJECT WEEK been pretty normal. The odd part of it this time...I'm cooler about it. I'm calm. I'm not afraid of failure. I just feel like God touched me, gave me signs and even spoke to me through others to let me know..."I gotcha Dreamer. This is the time. This will succeed." And I feel good knowing...He's there with me. He still have big plans for me. And I can't doing nothing but smile and praise him. Though...there's still a lot of things I don't understand. And asking him to lead me every step of the way. Let me know what's going on and what He has planned. Because I have a feeling...this weekend will be a successful one on many levels...

*signing out*

Project: FIGHTERS (coming soon)

2010-02-06T20:40:00.001-06:00

Evening...

Tonight, I released the test shots to my upcoming project, Fighters. If you been keeping up on my blog this year...you shouldn't be too surprised. This project reflects my attitude and my vision for the year. In this world, you cannot expect anything you want to be given to you. You gotta FIGHT for it. For the past decade and for the past few years I been in Jackson, I was willing to do just that; fight my way to make my dreams come true. If you want it, you gotta go get it.

ALLURE was a beautiful successful project, but I have a different goal for FIGHTERS, like any project me and the team put together. I was never one to be comfortable in any set style or "look" of photography. As a "young" artist, I'm still finding my way, my comfort zone and still a student of this art form. FIGHTERS is another opportunity to showcase my versatility and the random thoughts that dwell in my head. I wanted a "dark" look for this project. Something that says "focused" and "driven". More than anything, I'm working towards a great successful 2010.

I'm even more excited to execute this project in New Orleans. New people, new environment...a fresh perspective. Anyway..hope you enjoy!

Night...

www.twitter.com/enterthecool

Song of Blue

2010-01-29T19:18:00.000-06:00

a classic. From my second book, Destiny's Theory.

::Song of Blue::
Christopher Byron Bell

1Close your eyes. Let’s travel to the uncharted waters of the introspective. Where the darkness represents peace and creativity. 2A world so vast, it’s impossible to fully explore. 3The silence. We’re here all alone. Just you, the blackness, the stars, and me. 4Relax. Open yourself up to me. 5The Dream is the land of our imagination and desire. 6Nothing to hide here. This is the place where our true selves strive. The imagination, the desire, your purest emotions. 7Never have you felt so free. Free of your troubles, concerns. Just pure bliss. 8Welcome to the Dream. Only second to Heaven. Created by God. Yes, God. Because, He did create everything. 9The Dream lets you experience Love in its most felt form. And experiencing Love, is experiencing God. 10God is Love. That makes Love so great, so powerful. 11Love can’t be fully understood. Love has no limitations. Our Love has no limitations. 12Let the dreams begin. Starting from the suckable lips, to the suckable toes. My mind’s gone and anything goes. 13Lying next to each other fully exposed, wearing nothing but my creativity. Thinking about nothing, enjoying the darkness and the silence. 14For once, just for you, I’m turning Conscious off. Let’s enjoy this Love to the fullest. 15Silently, peacefully, lying on your tummy. Still warm, feeling the heat. Skin-to-skin contact, how much better can it get? Yes, I can feel your heart beat. 16I break the silence. I start speaking in tongue, though you hear nothing. 17Tasting your delicious lips. Sucking on your neck, smelling the sweet aroma. This could go on forever. 18Going lower, licking your pair of breasts, so supple and beautiful. Starting from the base, moving in slow, circular patterns to the top. Flicking the tips rapidly with my tongue. Then, sucking the tips with passion, and swallowing each breast as a whole. You are delicious. 19You feel my warm, wet tongue gliding southbound, tasting everything in its path. I take a long break at your core. 20Your thighs situated on both sides of my cheeks, my tongue begins to go deep, tasting your nutrients. Eyes closed, I French-kissed your lips. 21Like, your other set of lips, I sucked all I could suck, licked all I could lick. Swallowing your essence, drip-by-drip. Still thirsty, I can tell you’re trying to hold back. 22My tongue went deeper to taste your sweet nectar. Mind in a trance. 23Half my senses are disabled. I can only hear the faint sounds of your moans and the slurping from my mouth. And I can feel the palm of your precious hands gripping on top of my head, pushing me deeper into you. 24When your thighs began to jerk a little, I knew your cup was about to runneth over. Flow, baby, flow. I want to taste it all. 25Don’t be so selfish. Don’t hold back your sweet, organic taste. I drank until I was full, no matter how many times you visited Ecstasy. While the rest dripped from my lips, and dribbled down my chin. You are delicious. 26Now, nice and swollen, you slide a finger across my chin to try a taste of yourself. Then, I took that same finger and sucked off what was left. 27I begin to lick further down your legs, still searching for the end. There stood your beautiful, suckable, lovable toes. Toe by toe, then all as a whole. Do you feel my wet warmth? Now, you’re relaxed and warmed up. 28Climb on top of me. Let me see your eyes. They’re so beautiful. Lean closer. Your luscious lips, pressed against mine. 29My hands holding your sides, guiding you downward, as I begin to enter…your soul. Tight and intimate, warm and moist, I can marinate in this for hours, days…even for eternity. The deeper I go, the more I let go…of my mind. As you exhale your pleasure. 30Can you see the colors? From black to hot red, to mystical blue, I wanna forever be within you. 31As you slowly grind, gripping my hardness tightly. The friction, the heat, the juices flowing ever so freely. 32Fortunately, in the Dream, all is what it seems. No need to pull out. We can reap the full benefits without the consequences. Then again, creating a seed between you and me would be such a beautiful blessing. 33My Queen, welcome to my soul, uncut and exposed. Curiosity is yet to be satisfied…

I love you.

Love Wanderings

2010-01-28T22:48:00.006-06:00

Love Wanderings

"Love isn't about the destination. It is about the journey." -Dreamer

After years of chasing the wind, I think I now understand. More and more as each day goes by, I learn more about my destiny. For the most part, I understand the path I'm on. I understand where the path is going. My life is more career-driven than for personal gain. And while I'm getting adjusted to that, I measure the toll it has on my personal life..the little that I have.

This morning, I was reading 1 Kings. The story marks the ending of King David's reign and the beginning of King Solomon's. Before you're able to take charge of anything, you have to establish your rule. To establish your rule, you have to be familiar with your territory and the people around you. Once you have a grasp of those things, you now have to learn to maintain it. Before King Solomon's story even took off, he had a Dream. God asked him what he wanted. Solomon could've asked for anyone or anything. But I can only imagine he was in so much awe of his surroundings and the responsibility that was placed upon him. Out of EVERYTHING..of ALLLLL the things he could've asked for. ...He asked for wisdom. Wisdom to make the right decisions. Wisdom to govern the people around him. That's heavy...

And for the most part, he ruled very well. He accomplished a lot of things, his father David wasn't able to do. He ended up being one of the wisest kings to ever live. He was also one of the richest and the most powerful kings in his lifetime. He also had 700 wives and 300 concubines. But throughout the Bible...I notice a consistency amongst most of these leaders... social life was a wreck! I think these men suffered a "void" within themselves. Read for yourself.

I've said all that to say...that may be the price I have to pay for success. For anything great comes with a sacrifice. It comes with a cost. And that price may be permanent solitude.

And it goes beyond the Bible. Over 90% of the great leaders and Dreamers that I could think of, faced a harsh reality when they reached their "Love Destination". Even Albert Einstein. Read about his personal life with his wife...it'll definitely show a "human" side of him. My life is still young, so I can't make any conclusive decisions. But more and more... I understand the Apostle Paul and his views:

(1 Corinthians 7:7 and 1 Corinthians 7:30-34)

--------------------------------------
1 Corinthians 7:7 (The Message)

7Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.

1 Corinthians 7:30-34 (The Message)

29-31I do want to point out, friends, that time is of the essence. There is no time to waste, so don't complicate your lives unnecessarily. Keep it simple —in marriage, grief, joy, whatever. Even in ordinary things—your daily routines of shopping, and so on. Deal as sparingly as possible with the things the world thrusts on you. This world as you see it is on its way out.

32-35I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.

--------------------------------

When you knee-deep in your Dreams, and know that these Dreams were instilled in you by God... and you know failure is not an option... I cannot afford any distractions. In fact, you don't want to be distracted at all. Your eyes is on the prize and nothing more. You live it. You breathe it. You love it. You believe in it. And others believe in it. ...you gotta do what you gotta do. Its funny, but there's not really any rest for the Dreamer. Even in my sleep, my thoughts are at work.

But am I so caught up in my work and my destiny that I am inhuman? ...not at all. I may not like being around people that much, but I love being a blessing to others. Especially a blessing to those who can benefit from my God-given gifts. My thought process and actions may be out the ordinary, but my emotions are just like anyone else. I feel anger, sadness, lust, even a glimpse of happiness from time-to-time. Yes...some things makes me smile. Sometimes seeing another person smile, makes me smile. A good compliment can cause me to blush. I have flirtatious ways. At the same time, I been called the "jerk" yet respected for my sincerity. lol. It may not make sense...but this is who I am. This is ME. And I'm learning to enjoy every bit of it.

One of the BEST examples of this LOVE journey is "The Love Below" by Andre 3000. That whole album is about the journey...not the destination. The destination could be the end. But until I know for sure... I will continue to make the best out of this beautiful struggle...

Sweet dreams...

I'm tired...

2010-01-23T22:31:00.003-06:00

Brief thought: "Knowing your past is good, but knowing where you're going...is great."

I am so tired. And I apologize in advance for not being in an enlightened mood. I just returned home from Hattiesburg, MS. Its been a LONNNGGG DAY!!!

I went to bed late last night and had to be up at 6AM this morning to prepare for the trip. From then, all the way til tonight, I've experienced every emotion. Overall...the trip was GREAT! It was a successful...on many levels. I was enlightened today.

Without going into much detail...I've experienced a rollercoaster of emotions today. Everything from being pissed off and disappointed, to smiling and having a good laugh. I connected with some great people today. On the way back to base in Jackson, I was just thinking to myself about a VARIETY of things. So much was going through my mind. So much information. I was just trying to maintain everything that was thrown at me today.

My Brothers...

Thank God for my brothers... Not just my blood brothers but "my" brothers, whom I confide in and been down with me through this journey. I spend a LOT of time to myself. I am often in solitude. But sometimes even I become unaware that I am surrounded by such a great family. I have brothers here, to back home in Atlanta, the Carolinas, and even overseas that I FULLY trust. I just reading a blog from my brother Corey in Atlanta. He's been down with me since we met at Waffle House wayyy before I became a photographer. Trevor and Issac in Atlanta been down with me, relating to me on the poetry tip. Emmanuel, Jason...known these guys since 8th grade and always been supportive of my vision. My brothers, Hal, D-Bo and Keith that I met during my short military part of my life...which to many is unknown. Jeremy holding it down with the Cool. It just hit me how much great support that I have. These brothers are inspired by me as I am inspired by them. They probably don't understand their beliefs in me, strengthens and prevents me from quitting this journey when the road gets rough. And from my perspective, this gravel road has yet to be paved. lol. But I'm traveling and making tons of progress.

Unrated Thoughts..

There's a lot going through my mind. I feel like so many things being revealed to me, lately. And after soaking in this information....I am not playing. I will not lose. Yes...I am plotting new ideas. Yes...I'm a man of execution. Yes...I am destined for great things. Yes...I am planning to maximize every single God-given opportunity. But don't take it the wrong way, I just know who my Father is. I have no intentions of being a threat. My only intentions is to be productive, purposeful, maximizing all that is within me. My only intentions is unlock my maximum potential. I see too people living and dying without even trying to tap in the power that's within them. I refuse to be one of them. My passion, my drive, my commitment is to be ALL that God wanted me to be. I refuse to settle for less. Some may be threatened by that, but... I just want to LIVE. If some don't get that...there's nothing I can do for them. Those insecurities will kill them. And that key to living is my Dream. My Dream is my baby. And if you feel your baby is being threatened...what do you do? Protect them by any means necessary, right? Then don't be surprised when I do the same...

Going to sleep... thanks for reading.

2010 Mindstate

2010-01-12T23:34:00.002-06:00

Evening...
Change is good, but I'm a bigger fan of Progression...

Not really sure how I can present my emotions tonight without coming off mean. You must understand...I am tired. I been on this battlefield for a long time. Its lonely out here. Its dangerous. Every day is full of surprises. I know what I want... So, because of that, my tolerance is at a bare minimum these days. I have taken too many hits. I have taken so many hits that my feelings are numb. It hardly even hurts anymore. Patience has run its course. My thoughts are always focused on tomorrow. The future. The next phase. This is the mindset and thoughts of the King..the Dreamer. I believe the same things will only bring about the same results. If its broke, don't bother fixing it. ....I treat Humans the same way. Because, I've learned is that most humans are creatures of habit. Most will choose what is Familiar than something New and Unknown. Even if the latter is the better option. We work in Patterns. Very rarely cycles are broken. In short...Fear controls their destinies.

Of all the things I've come across in the past ten years since high school, one of the greatest struggles is.. transcending these Dreams into Reality. And out of the last ten years, the last three years been the hardest, stressful, humbling, eye-opening experience, but VERY successful. I've learned and confirmed that you CANNOT be like anyone else if you plan to make your Dreams come true. Your thought process have to be different. Your ACTIONS have to be different. The road to Success is a lonely one. It is VERY lonely out here. Fellow Dreamers are far and in-between. Drama and just basic bullshit have to be kept to a minimum or nonexistent, if possible.

So knowing this knowledge, breathing it, living by it...I cannot accept anything less from anyone because I hold myself to this higher standard. I live by very basic principles. To fulfill my destiny, I have to keep things simple. And I thank God not only for this wisdom but also for the strength to cutoff what's bad for me.

I'm tired. Maybe I'll post again soon.

SIDENOTES ABOUT ALLURE ----- I always work on my future, rarely thinking of my past. Always in thought. Always thinking forward. Following my designated path. Take for example...Project: ALLURE. The project was planned, shot, produced all before 2010. We were sitting on the project for almost a month purposely, waiting for the new year to release it. I truly appreciate all the positive feedback from the people, fellow photographers, and others in the artistic community, but I'm already knee deep in the next project. ALLURE is technically old news and already plotting the next big thing. I AM NEVER IDLE. I may be quiet...but NEVER idle....NEVER. <---you get the point.

I always wanted to develop my style to be simplistic yet complex. Show an appreciation for natural beauty...the beauty of Life I see in my eyes. I also knew I didn't want to follow any trends. Be bothered with what's popular. Most importantly, I didn't want to turn my art into a photoshop contest. As an artist, I wanted to create my own path and I'm content with knowing what I decide to do may not be the most popular thing. But I don't care. Some people like complex images. I prefer to keep it Simple and Sexy. So...we kept the theme simple, the clothes simple, the photos simple. Not knocking anyone else or their work...because there's beauty in all of it. It really is...but I didn't want to follow those same steps. My taste of art is different. Most people prefer color, but I love black&white. Instead of doing "double personalities", I wanted to show a more "sane" side. lol. Like I said...I prefer simple. *yawn** ...anyway, appreciate the love. the photos came out beautiful. and I will continue to strive to improve my craft, create even more beautiful images, and stay connected to the Creativity that God instilled in me. Goodnight.

Random Thoughts

2010-01-04T13:02:00.002-06:00

Actions breathe life into ideas.
An idea not followed by action is dead.

Action is the connecting point that transcend Dreams into Reality. That action must be powered by Faith.

A man without imagination is a man lacking originality.

Random Thoughts

2010-01-04T12:59:00.002-06:00

The accomplished make moves in silence.
The key to helping yourself is to lose self.
Everything can be broken down into seasons.
Seasons produce change.Change produce progress. Progress leads you to your destination...

Thought of the Day

2009-12-29T12:39:00.002-06:00

"Bored people bore me" -Dreamer

There's too many things to be done. Too many dreams to chase. Too many goals to accomplish. How can anyone be so bored and live? Another thought...

"When you lack Passion, you lack Life. You're walking dead."

My Father...

2009-11-24T21:09:00.002-06:00

This is probably the first time I've written anything about my biological family at all...

Today, I had the opportunity to have lunch with my father. It was him, his lady friend (never met her before), my teenage brother and myself. Overall, it was good seeing him. For the most part, it was casual conversation. Updating him on my Dream Chase and other things.

During the whole time I was with him, I was just thinking... My father is a flawed man like any other man. He is one of those fathers that fathered children with multiple women. Once upon a time, he was married (not to my mother). But now... he's just a single, hardworking man. He's a grandfather now. Relationships, marriage is always a topic of conversation for a man my age. Many consider me wise for my age. I may know a lot of things, but there's still I don't know. But there's thing I do know...my father wasn't built for marriage. Ask his exes. lol. But seriously...I believe he's a good guy. Just a bad husband. As a father... the verdict is still out. I can easily say "no" considering that he wasn't around when I was growing up. But that would be unfair considering that I don't know all the facts. I don't know what was going on back then when I was a baby, or the details about the relationship he had with my mother before my conception. I lack too many details to come to a conclusion about his fathering skills towards me or any other of my siblings (I'm the only child with my mother).

So I was listening to a few stories about his father, my grandfather. I was listening, but at the same time, I was wondering what was my father's thought process when he became my father...or a father to any of us. Did he want to be around? Did he ever imagine having a son to take under his wing and build him into a strong black man? Were we an inconvenience? I wonder... One day, I plan to sit down, pick his brain and ask him. There's no rush knowing, though. Just a thought.

More and more over the past year, I have noticed I carry a lot of his traits. He likes to be alone, he enjoys his solitude, he loves watching movies, he like things exactly his way, he loves women, he don't like a woman that has a lot of mouth. When he's pissed, he's pissed...it takes a lot for him to calm down. He enjoys fresh air. He loves to keep Life simple. ....I carry those traits. Those traits come with a hint of selfishness. Yet, he's willing to help others. Especially, when it comes to family. He loves his family. I haven't been around him that much throughout my life, but I can sense that a mile away. So...like any other human, there's good and bad. Never thought I would see so much of my self in him...or should I say him in me. Its quite a revelation.

After spending time with my father, I had a meeting with a future bride. She's beautiful, intelligent and very excited about getting married in the coming months. Her smile made me smile. I could tell she's a genuine person. Her mother was right there with her, just as happy. I can tell she raised her well. This bride is ready to be joined into one with her best friend. She's willing to lose a part of self to gain self. A transformation she's looking for to. She's willing to lose her life to gain a new life with him. ....that is deep. I honestly don't know if I'm willing to do that. I'm beginning to understand what the apostle Paul was saying. Andre 3000 yelled the same thing, "DON'T DO IT, ICE COLD!!!" LOL. Dude was serious. But on the other side of things, words from my pastor is whispering, "Marriage is the best thing to happen to me besides salvation". One vision, I see myself living a full life as a single man...alone, but free. Free with no obligation to anyone else. Living a happy life with a void. No wife. No kids. ...The other vision is the complete opposite. I marry the love of my life. The missing piece to my puzzle. Living in a God-ordained marriage, kids...ups and downs but complete fulfillment.

... I'm human. I'm so human. Yes, I'm a Dreamer. I have the traits, the passion, the thoughts of a Dreamer. But sometimes I have to remember that I'm still part-human as well. The human side of me is a man of doubt, flaws and selfishness. I like being alone. I don't like being alone. Its sounds like a contradiction, but to me it makes perfect sense. Today, I didn't to any conclusion. I don't expect to find a answer to these life questions anything soon. But I think today was a productive day. It gave an insight. I learned something about myself. I guess in the end...that's all I can ask for...

Thoughts...

2009-11-19T16:16:00.002-06:00

"Actions breathe life into Ideas."
"An Idea not followed by Action is dead."
"Actions is the connecting point that transcends Dreams into Reality. That Action must be powered by Faith." -Dreamer

My Heart... Exposed

2009-11-19T15:50:00.003-06:00

My Heart... Exposed
The thoughts of the Dreamer
Christopher Bell and Trevor Terry

I am worried
because is Dangerous
methodically
making love to me through the lens
teasing my senses...
I wish I were senseless
so I wouldn't feel this
but I am a human being
honest

you are not in love with me
you are fascinated with my gift
not my soul
you cherish what i
know,
what we can create,
why can't you see that there's so much more to appreciate
if we were to be together
we could commit to more than just a common goal
we would become so much more
but the price of that sacrifice
may end up being more than I can afford.

So what must I do
to finally undress the real you?
I can only hope my pen finds success
in reaching beyond the actress.
I want to uncover the girl you're protecting
beneath the surface
because there's much more of you
I would love to discover...

But I don't know my next step
I can only wait
and pray that Patience
is stronger than Fate.
I am offering you all I have
there is nothing left for me to communicate
and I only want Honesty in return
stop hiding
I am only as transparent as you make me
only you have the power
to save me from all this future pain
rescue me from myself
and please
don't let my heart
have been exposed in vain.

I wish to talk to the Real you
not the person you choose to be
whenever you are around me
or the woman you want the world to see
no,
I long to caress your true identity...

Thought of the Day

2009-11-12T10:37:00.001-06:00

"Why check the brakes when you don't intend to stop?.. keep movin'!" -Dreamer

Thought of the Day

2009-11-10T12:18:00.001-06:00

"Working too much doesn't concern me. Too much idle time does..."

-Dreamer

Quote/Thought

2009-11-04T00:31:00.001-06:00

"Yes, I still love you, but don't think I'm waiting on you..."

I may not be able to control my feelings, but I can control my actions.

FB Status

2009-10-20T00:11:00.001-05:00

"quiet mornings are the best mornings..."

Thoughts: Queen Potential

2009-10-14T21:21:00.001-05:00

Tentative Title: “Queen Potential”

When I first laid eyes on her, I didn’t understand
My attraction to the woman before me
We didn’t exchange a word
I knew nothing of her
But there was something about her
I had to approach her…

Fast Forward
We talk all the time
She’s the first voice I hear in the morning
She’s the last voice I hear before I sleep
The more we talk, the more I wonder...
Is she…the Queen?
We went from casual conversation
To deep intelligent mental selections
From a respect of her being
To asking God if she’s the one for me

Beautiful, intelligent, witty, goofy, godly
Strong, weak, perfection and flawed
Honesty and all
A gift for a king…

Conversations: "I ____ you..."

2009-10-14T21:18:00.001-05:00

Tentative Title: “I ____ you…”
Christopher Bell

“I ____ you…
I ____ you so much…”

Those blanks represent the feelings I have for her, but there’s no word to describe it. I’m not in Love. I am familiar with that feeling. Those blanks represent a combination of respect, passion, lust, attraction, and admiration. I’m not in Love…far from it. It’s too soon for that. But I do like her a lot. I can look into her eyes and say everything without saying anything. There’s a possibility those blanks can be turned into Love eventually in the future. But for now…I rather for us to enjoy the season as it is. But as time continues, I know her feelings are getting deeper and deeper. Every time I speak to her. Every time I look into her eyes…I can tell. It’s a eerie feeling to know that she holds me in such high esteem. I guess I just feel a little uncomfortable knowing I can’t return those same feelings. Not yet, anyway.

My feelings for her is beyond Like
But, it’s not quite Love
The blank is more of a feeling in between
A nonexistent word
Yet a strong feeling that can’t be denied

Every time I look into her eyes
As I lay my hands on her chocolate thighs
I utter “I ____ you…”

It’s a feeling of passion
It’s beyond physical attraction
It’s a hybrid of Love and Lust
A mutual respect

It’s crazy, because I crave your Character
A lust after your Selflessness
I wanna taste your Wisdom

I enjoy making you laugh
I listen intently to your wisdom
Your wants for becoming a better woman
I love sucking your delicious lips…

Conversations: Pillowtalk

2009-10-07T15:20:00.002-05:00

"...That's usually how it happens. Its what I like about you. I am reckless, impulsive and able to throw my inhibitions away and enjoy pure hedonism."

When she speaks...its like poetry. I couldn't do anything but pause. I was speechless. I was honored. I smiled... My mind doesn't stay offline long. It was only moments before my mind, along with my consciousness, began to reboot and turn back on. In the dark room, my mind continued its journey of tangents and thoughts. God, work, lust,dreams, women, love...the story of my life.That constant reminder of my flawed nature. Struggling to find a balance of life that's impossible yet I continue to search for it each and every day of my life. My life is filled with daily struggles with pockets of joy and momentary bliss. Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I am very blessed with a gift that inspires people. Passion runs through my veins and keeps me strong. I'm a weathered soldier, a good leader and friend. Overall, my life is quite peaceful. I'm just aware of my shortcomings as well. The shortcomings that keeps me humble and remind me...I'm no better than anyone else. I'm not a "good guy". I'm a man of morals, but still have a part of me that's cutthroat and numb. I consider myself an opportunist, a realist.

(thinking...)

(looking into her eyes...)

She knows a lot of things about me. She can see a lot of things in me. Yet, she knows nothing about me. Then again...maybe she does. Maybe she fully understands and respects me for who I am...flaws and all. Hmmm...

Thought of the Day

2009-10-07T09:55:00.003-05:00

"Those who consistently say they have haters, usually don't have any haters at all. Its just a cry for attention."

King Dreamer

Unfortunately Human

2009-09-25T16:47:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately Human

I am a leader
I am a king
I am flawed
I am a man

I am a walking contradiction…

I will disappoint
I am mean
I am kind
I am passionate
I am a man

I am a walking contradiction…

I live my life striving to be the best man I can
I will succeed
I will fail
I love my God
I lust after curves
I crave after physical satisifaction
That’s how it is
Not saying I am right
But this is who I am
I try my best, but my best will never be enough
Give me high expectations and I promise that I will not always meet them

Unfortunately…I’m only human

A thought...

2009-09-21T13:10:00.000-05:00

"Young boys throw it in the microwave, grown men place it in the slow cooker..."

-the Dreamer

I don’t want a Wifey…

2009-07-25T21:48:00.001-05:00

I don’t want a Wifey…

“A wifey is just an over-glorified girlfriend…”

Wifey is a term that men (or grown boys) selfishly created. A wifey is nothing more than a trophy girlfriend with the appearance of a wife. Its like a front. Why would I want that?

What really trips me out how men sold it as something women should aspire to be. And I have to give it to them, they sold it well. They really did. There are a lot of women out there bragging that they’re “wifeys”. It’s like men getting all the benefits without the marital commitment. Honestly…think about it. Why would a man want to “put a ring on it” if he’s getting everything without it? He has no reason to step up and further that commitment. Just being honest.

Battle of the Heart

“If you battle for the heart…you will always lose…”

The heart is something that has to be given to you. It’s a gift, not necessarily something to be fought for. But it is something that you should strive for. You should work for the heart. Just don’t try to snatch it. I believe if its meant to be yours, you will receive it. Or let me put it in lamer terms… Don’t try to snatch someone away from someone else. Everyone has the gift of freewill. Everything starts with a decision.

Conversations: Pillowtalk

2009-07-22T07:26:00.000-05:00

From the chapter, Conversations: Pillowtalk.
Words between the Dreamer and Queen Potential

“...thank you for being you. Thank you for being here for me. I’m horny. Lol. But for real…I miss holding you, kissing you, holding your soft hands. I’m so glad to have you next to me… I know I need to get up, but I just wanna lay here with you. Besides…I’m so lovin’ your silky thighs on top of me… sexyyyy.” *kiss*

She is my Reminder. She reminded me everything I ever wanted in a woman. Over the past few years, I allowed Reality to seep into my Dream. I was injected with Compromise and didn’t even know it. It took for me to see her Character to realize what I lost sight of. No one is perfect, true enough. But it’s the fact that she acknowledges her imperfections. Of all the great qualities she processes, I think what really attracts me to her is her Honesty. She’s so honest and genuine. And the way I speak and write about her, it seems like I make her into some kind of goddess or something. But she’ll be the first to tell you..she’s just a simple woman. Trying to find her way like everyone else, be closer to God. But she’s REAL about it. She’s quick to tell me what she knows and don’t know, and her willingness to learn as she go. While everyone is playing the selfish strategy, she’s being completely selfless. She gets it. Our situation or circumstance may not be perfect, but as long as both of us remain completely honest and open…it’s okay. We can work through it.

From Queen Potential…

“Right now, I can honestly say I’m not thinking what am I going to do with you. I’m thinking what can’t I do with you.”

“…and you are my king. You move me. You bring out the woman that I should be. Dreamer, you make me feel incredible. I’m still learning. But, I’m willing to learn with you in my life.”

“You’re such a blessing Dreamer. But, I don’t know if you’re my blessing.”

Her Prayer:

God, let us not follow our own desires, but seek your will. In a situation where only your understanding is key. Help us to listen to your voice. Help us to put you first in all that we do. And allow you to take full control over our lives. You said that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, we could move mountains. Help us to hold on to that faith. Be with the Dreamer and I each and every day. In Jesus name, Amen.

What am I going to do with you?...

2009-07-15T18:38:00.000-05:00

"What am I going to do with you?..."

That's her response in laughter to my words. My random thoughts and sayings tickle her so much. I can imagine her almost sharing tears laughing as I tell her about my day.

"What am I going to do with you?...", she says jokingly. But at the same time, I know she is serious. Its funny how we both laugh as we lie together in the dark. Her warm smooth skin, snugged right next to me. I enjoy our nightly pillowtalk. But we're both asking ourselves the very same question. What are we going to do? As much as I stay to myself, I occasionally find myself in these "complex" situations. Many say Love is complex. I disagree, because what most of us experience isn't Love...its like "Pre-Love". Its like you're riding the path to Love and once you realize you're on that path...you become scared. And you scared, because you become vulnerable. You're vulnerable because this path cannot be predicted. You're riding the path blindly, taking your chances. It's risky, its a thrill, its scary, but you loving every second of it. :) At the same time, you're thinking of that old saying: "Hope for the best, expect the worst.” But I try not to bother myself with these thoughts during these moments. I enjoy her company. She enjoy mine. Simple as that.

We haven’t known each other long. But we talk as if we been the best of friends for months. Its crazy. I love it when I can have initial chemistry but it really bother me when its too good, you know? I have this personal belief that its good to keep the fire going, but not blazing for too long…or else it will burn out. So I try to walk this fine line of keeping the fire burning constantly at a steady pace. It’s apparent that our feelings disagree. Each word, each moment drives our emotions crazy. We found ourselves at this passionate stage of our friendship so fast. I hate it. I love it. I’m scared as hell. Remember “Disappearance of Innocence”? (reference: the first book, The Queen and I) I’m really trying not to relive that. But who knows what the future holds? …well, besides God of course. Lol.

We have this saying…”Don’t run from it!!!” *smiles* We talk, we play, we wrestle. Get to the point when she pins me down. (I always let her win.) She’s on top of me. She looks down on me with this pretty smile. I’m looking up enjoying the view. And this time, she says again…”What am I going to do with you? Maybe I need to stop talking to you.” I smile and tell her, “Don’t run from it!!! Embrace it!!!” and I proceed to tickle her. I really care about her.

I imagine most of us been through this before. You meet someone. It starts out so innocent and casual. Then BAMMM!!!! Your emotions are running wild. You have no control. That fire of passion is burning hot and fast. All you can do is hold on and try not to let go. ….but then, the season is over so soon. It’s short-lived. And I don’t want that to happen with this. I hope and like to see this grow. But what can we do but wait and see?...

(thinking silently…)

I’ve learned or at least I think I did…we shouldn’t over analyze these situations or over-complicate them. Just take it back to the basics… I enjoy her. She enjoy me. That is all that matters right now…

Random Quote...

2009-07-15T18:09:00.000-05:00

"I'm not a home-wrecker...just an eye-opener"

Blue

Scenario: Love or Logic

2009-07-01T14:08:00.002-05:00

Scenario: Love or Logic

“….You can’t control your emotions, but you CAN control your actions. Act wisely.” -Blue

It is time. I can’t run from it any longer. I have to face my fear. For months, I hoped I never had to address it. I tried forgetting about it. Failed. I tried keeping my distance. Failed. And now…here I am standing face to face with one of the hardest things I ever have to do… express my feelings.

Funny, huh? My life consists of speaking in front of my peers, to lead, give advice, make hard decisions…doing things others don’t like to do. Yeah…some of that is hard. But compared to expressing your innermost feelings to someone, it’s nothing. You’re vulnerable. That brick wall surrounding your heart is torn down. I think the hardest part of it all is the fact I can’t foresee its conclusion. I’m an analyzer. I like to step back and analyze the whole playing field. Its like chess…I try to stay moves ahead of everyone else. I try to predict their movements, their reactions. I try to think of every possibility. So when its game time, time to face the situation…I’m comfortable. I pretty much thought everything out. I like to think that I thought about their reactions before they did. I analyze for sport. I eliminate all opportunities for surprises. Both feet are grounded and ready for anything. It’s a good feeling…

But when it comes to Love… I think that’s when God really shows his sense of humor. He takes my Logic and tosses it out the window. The same rules don’t apply here. My insight is eliminated. I have no inside information. Its like God blindfolds me, and I’m forced to play in the dark. Hate it. Lol. But at the same time, I can appreciate its mystery. Its eerily exciting. It makes me nervous. I become anxious. And knowing Logic is useless in this arena, I still try to use it. …it sucks.

So now…here I am. The one that usually gives advice, is asking for it. I’m heavy in prayer. Asking God more questions starting with “why?”. Everything happens for a reason. And I’m always trying to figure out what it is. But when it comes to Love…no luck. So…what do you do? What any man in my position would do…face the fear. Live a life with no regrets. I know she knows. I also know she’s been aware of my feelings for awhile. But the unknown factor…the factor that bugs me the most…how will she respond? How will she react? What will be her first words after I let these feelings and emotions flow off my tongue? Will this be the conclusion or just the beginning? Is she really… the One?

For now, only God knows…and soon I will find out.

The Fear of Happiness

2009-05-17T01:23:00.006-05:00

The Origin of Guilt:
What do you want out of life?...

Many of us already know what we want, what we expect, how we want life to be. But how many people truly believe they can achieve it? Often times, I believe the saying "it's too good to be true" is used out of context.

As human beings, we may have a subconscious feeling of guilt. We feel so undeserving of good things because....well, we don't deserve it. We are all born with a sinful nature. The guilt is somewhat a normal feeling. That's the whole point of getting saved, right? To erase that guilt. Give it to God and enjoy His unconditional love. So because of that, it's okay to want or expect good things out of life.

The Bliss:
Through the guilt, through the mess, through the confusion, through the nights of crying out to God for something better....it comes. The thing or person you been waiting for, praying for...comes. Isn't it the most beautiful scariest feeling in the world? Your thoughts are filled with this person every idle moment, your imagination evolves, and you wonder... can it be true? You wonder how you deserve such a blessing, despite the pain you endured and the things you done in the past you may not be proud of. You have a piece of...Happiness. Finally. You have a sense of peace. Its a crazy, unbelievable feeling you thought you would never feel... It's bliss...

The Familiar:
Then, human nature kicks in. That bliss quickly turns into suspicion. That bliss turns into doubt. That bliss turns right back to guilt... I wonder why? Too many times I see people ruin a good thing because of that. Some call it paranoia, some call it foolishness. Personally...it's both. But let's call it what it really is...Fear. The Fear of Happiness...

Fear causes many things. Fear causes many lives to operate in a circle. It's repetitive. It's predictable. The same cycle of jobs, relationships, friends...all in the same cycle. Ignorance is not to blame, because we know better. The only ones that achieve true happiness, are the ones that's brave enough to break the cycle and explore the unexplored. Logically, it would make perfect sense to break the never-ending, unhappy cycle, but most of us don't think logically. People in general will choose Emotions over Logic every time. I call it "playing it safe", but in actuality its not really "safe" at all. It's just predictable. It's familiar, we know what to expect whether it's good or bad. Its like reading a good book and you're comfortable already knowing how it ends. That's one of the reasons why people get back into unhealthy situations. It's predictable.

The Fear:
To be such a "bold" generation, most of us are really cowardly. We're scared. We're scared of the unknown. We're scared to live...LIFE. We're scared of a challenge. We're scared to fight for what we really want. Where's the ambition? Where's the drive? Where is our PRIDE? To get what we really want and accept it all in its abundance?

Many people get married, lead successful careers, live and die, never knowing the fullness of Happiness. People expect things to be given. We ask for things we're not able to handle. We expect things to be given. But true happiness is fought for....

Maturity trumps Ignorance every time.

The Ocean: The Unknown

2009-03-26T15:31:00.004-05:00

Life is full of surprises. We know that. Only God knows what our future holds. Its exciting but at the same time...its very bothersome. I'm a planner, a hardcore planner. I think I get it from my mom. I don't know. But because of that, I'm not a big fan of surprises. Well...not a big fan of bad surprises. Good surprises brings a big smile on my face, so I love those. :) Anyway...I'm just not a big fan of the unknown. The unknown makes life exciting, but...there's a certain doubt knowing your future is uncertain. More often than usual lately, I find myself really thinking what God has up his sleeve for me. And even more important, who in my life will take part in it.

But the thoughts above are daily workings of my brain. Those are questions I ask everyday. Those are questions that keeps me beneath the surface. And when you're beneath the surface, I believe you stay ahead in life. Deep thoughts take you to deep places. Shallow thoughts doesn't take you anywhere at all. So...for the rest of this post, let's generalize this. Let's call Life, Love, Relationships, Dreams...the Ocean. Just choose one, and let it be your ocean. Let's continue...

I wouldn't say a lot of people in this world are shallow. But I think they like to keep shallow thoughts. And I believe they like to keep shallow thoughts, because its playing safe. And when you're playing safe, its because you want to protect yourself. Basic instinct for all creation is self-preservation, so that's understandable. But...humans have the ability to have aspirations, desires, dreams, goals...happiness. But I really feel many miss the point that Happiness doesn't come easy. It comes with a sacrifice. You have to dive beneath the surface. People have to realize: "To achieve anything great, you must take a risk... "

The quote also applies for Happiness. You must expose yourself. Its a risk to expose your feelings, your thoughts...but its necessary to reach your full potential. I also understand some people been hurt one too many times, and no longer want to take the risk. They are content with staying on the surface.

But for me...living on the surface is boring. It is extremely boring. Diving deep and exploring the depths is so much more rewarding to me. I been to the bottom of the sea. Its beautiful down there. You see, experience and feel things you never felt before. Its a whole new world down there. In this Life, I live for many things. I desire many things and Happiness is one of them. And I understand that I won't find it on the surface.

Don't be afraid. I know things are easier said than done. I also understand that diving can also be dangerous. From past experiences I know that too. Like the stock market...there are risks, some are more dangerous than others. We can only pray for guidance and wisdom that we take the right risks. True, you can avoid hurt, disappointments and everything else negative by staying on the surface, but in the end...you're cheating yourself. Explore the depths...

My Thoughts...A Letter.

2009-02-22T12:37:00.001-06:00

My thoughts…

I spent many daydreams imagining the “perfect” relationship. My mind used to wander and think of everything down to the finest detail. I used to think of everything from the way she looked, the way we would meet, the whole flow of the relationship. I spent many nights talking to God, excited about the woman He had set aside for me. I believe everyone to some extent fears loneliness. I’m a man of solitude but even I have to admit, I have nights when I crave female companionship. Not just any female, but the one God has set aside for me. During those times, I would talk to God like King David spoke to Him…honestly revealing all my thoughts and feelings I’m going through whether it’s good or bad. Sometimes I even wondered if God was listening to me, laughing at me or even thought my feelings were silly. I mean…it wasn’t like I was praying to be a pimp or a manwhore. I was praying (and still am) for a relationship that I believe God wants for every man and woman to experience. And now…I believe He answered that prayer. Of course, all that I imagined didn’t happen but regardless of the circumstances…we met. I believe He led me to you.

For the past couple of months, I been trying to write and outdo any love poem I wrote in the past. I wanted to write the most beautiful poem you have ever read. I was holding myself to such a high standard, that nothing I wrote was good enough. I just couldn’t do it. So I figured I was trying too hard. I decided to keep it simple and easy to understand, instead of writing the biggest metaphors I wouldn’t even understand.

We have not known each other for very long. Love isn’t a word either of us takes lightly. Love takes time and I believe you understand that. I do believe however that the direction we’re going is leading us to it. I look forward to exploring the depths and experiencing a relationship beyond my wildest dreams. I pray everyday for you, me, this relationship, the future and for the wisdom and guidance to be the man God desires me to be and the man I need to be to ensure this relationship is a success. I have made mistakes in the past I vowed I would never do again. I spent years learning, training for this moment…for you.

I just want you to understand…I been dreaming about you for years. For years…I sat up in my bed, thinking of you. For years, I laid in the grass in the middle of the night wondering what you were doing. Wondering if you were wondering about me. I’m a Dreamer. In a morally dead society, I do believe dreams come true. Many may think I’m foolish, but I believe in true Love. I believe it can be achieved and I hope you do too. During the short time I’ve known you, I enjoyed every bit of you.

You are my Queen. I look at you and see the sexiest being I ever laid eyes on. You’re a down-to-earth, cool, selfless, committed, driven individual. You believe in me and my dreams, and I appreciate that. I don’t take that for granted. You make me smile. I love your laugh. The way you hug me tightly. Your cooking. Your delicious lips…your kiss and so much more.

There’s so much I want to share and want you to understand. You can believe by the time I finish writing this, I would have dissected every word, every line before this reaches your delicate hands. At the end of this, I want you to know that my thoughts of you transcend all languages. No words could ever translate my feelings for you….

Late-Night Thoughts...

2009-02-22T12:35:00.000-06:00

Before I crash tonight...just want to get some thoughts off my chest.

I just wanted to send a reminder.... There are two types of people in this world: The ones that chase dreams...and the ones that give up and die. Seriously think...which one are you?

Life is hard. Happiness is not something that's given. For years, I wondered why I suffered so much crap from this world. Sometimes...it was my fault. I didn't know how to let certain things or people go. But other times...I realize it was all divine training. God was training me and molding me...and He still is. His kingdom is an inheritance. But what king gives an inheritance without proper training? Getting saved is only the beginning. Even the devil believes in God. But the real fun begins on your path to spiritual maturity.

Throughout this life, I meet many people. I meet many many people that start things, dreams, endeavors, ideas...whatever you want to call them, but never finish. They never get it done. But why? Lack of passion? yes. Lack of drive? yes. But I know why people don't finish. The real question is...what were they thinking? What was the thought process when they decided to simply...stop chasing this bright idea? This big vision that they had? Even better question...how is life after burying the dream? Are they aware that they're walking dead? Is there a sense of un-fulfillment? Gots to be.

Everybody wants to be happy, but too many looking for Happiness to be handed to them...without work, sacrifice, pain. How selfish are we really?

Me personally...I go to bed thinking...why is God keeping me alive to see another day? I'm not living to satisfy myself and my desires. I'm alive to fulfill a will...God's Will. His will of spreading his love and changing the world one person at a time. Being a blessing to someone. ....when was the last time you blessed someone? Or are you one of the ones that's always looking out for self and not others.

just a 24hr. note. goodnight.

Complicated Relationships...

2007-12-29T20:43:00.000-06:00

Christopher is pondering on this "complicated" relationship thing. Is it rocket science? Or do humans have too much tolerance for mess in their lives?... I really want to know.

I wonder if relationships are "complicated" because people are being selfish? Maybe too many friends have "benefits" and not real relationships. Maybe the purpose of the relationship is off. Is the purpose of "dating" is to look for a mate towards marriage, or to prevent the feeling of lonliness? Educate me.

Better yet...is God even a thought when it comes to these "relationships"? Is it the reason why the "relationship" is "complicated" in the first place? I don't know...tell me.

Is physical attraction enough to pursue a relationship? Should humans look for more than a good listener? A wise woman told me, "Look for a woman to build your vision, career-wise AND spiritually. A woman to pray in your place when you're not strong enough to do it yourself. And a woman should look for a man to build her, to build her spiritually to a woman God would be proud of." I could be wrong, but based off that alone, that prevents me from getting into anything "complicated".

Everyone in life has one thing in common, whether it's the neighborhood trapstar, the girl next door, a single mother, my brother...we all have one thing in common that we all want....happiness. But many of us tend to look towards money, boyfriends, girlsfriends, materialistic things...all except the trust source of such a beautiful thing...God.

Just a rambling...

the Dreamer

That Feeling...

2007-12-29T20:39:00.001-06:00

That Feeling...

Looking for a feeling…that feeling. The feeling above all feelings. The feeling of fulfillment. The feeling of confirmation. The feeling of completion…
All I know is what I've seen in a dream… I can't see her face, but I can sense her presence. When she walks, she glows. When she speaks…I can't help but to listen. She's quiet, but tactful. She is a leader. She knows how to make me pause…..a feat yet to be accomplished.
Though I have no clue of who this special being is, I still smile just knowing she exist and made just for me.

Time for me to sleep….

The photo speaks for itself...

2007-12-29T19:07:00.001-06:00

I tried writing whatever is on my mind, but....I can't. So much is going on. So many thoughts. Staying on top of things business-wise, at the same time, trying to maintain my so-called personal life. Trying to do right. Just minding my own business. Even though I'm a person of solitude, I always try to help and be there for others. I don't mind...I don't. But it becomes an issue when people take you for granted or even worse, take advantage of you. ...definitely a no-go. Taking my kindness for weakness is just something you don't do. And there has been a couple of people in my life that made that mistake. That's an offense I don't take lightly. Now...as a mature man, I'm not the type to argue, fuss, yell, cuss you out when violated. When there's a problem, I intend to find a solution. I like to talk things out face to face and resolve the issue. But when you try to get over, disrespect me and feel like you can talk to me or treat me any kind of way...I'm just going to look at you...then walk away. No more need for words. Because apparently, you're someone I don't need in my life. So....that's what inspired the photo. I was in the studio chatting with my roommate and the young woman in the photo about the situation and then the idea came to me. I would've did the photo myself, but she was there. She's a cutie. :) So I asked her to express my feelings for me in the photo. I think she did a great job... When I put the duct tape on her mouth, I told her that's how I like my women...quiet. LOL. ....i didn't really mean it. :)

The Fight is Beyond Me...

2007-12-29T18:46:00.001-06:00

The Fight is Beyond Me...

I thank God for another day
I must die daily
In order to see the next day

I'm still in training
to be the man I must be
I still make mistakes
please forgive me, I mean no wrong

I keep dreaming...
I keep fighting...
Look into my soul, you can see my battle wounds
they consume my body like tattoos
every time I want to give up, I think of you
because I know you gain your strength from me
I cannot give in to Defeat like the other fallen Dreamers
My Dream is beyond me now and it must be completed.

Doubt and Fear steadily try to get the best of me
They are great enemies that I must face daily.

I fight for you and others I never even seen
But I know they can see me
I am being watched as this battle continues
as I pick up my sword
I wield with all my might
I must FIGHT
I MUST SHINE THE LIGHT!
that was placed in me.

Many want to be a leader
but very few want the responsibility

There's no rest in this world
I am drained...
and I continue on.
I fight for you, I fight for my fellow Dreamers that look up to me...
Your words, your hugs, your eyes...
they give me strength
they make me smile.

when I look into your eyes...
I want to tell you how much I love you.
But it's not the time for such words now.
I still have battles to fight.
All I can do right now is smile, and speak without words.
Deep down, you know I have something to say.
You can feel it. You know me so well.
But you let me go.
You trust my judgment.

My armor is strapped.
My sword is in hand.
We pray...
You kiss me...

I must be on my way.
I must return to the battlefield.
Until I return home again...
Sweet dreams...

Dream Chaser: Don’t Give Up...

2007-12-29T18:45:00.002-06:00

Dream Chaser: Don't Give Up...

God gave us ALL an assignment...a Dream. When blessed with such a gift, very few of us pursue it. Most dreams are not pursued, mostly because of doubt and fear. Not me...I have accepted that challenge. Do I get scared? Yes. Do I sometimes lack faith? Yes. I'm going to be real with you, Dream Chasing is a scary career move, but very fulfilling. I refuse to settle for anything else. I refuse to settle for Plan B. This is it. This is all I have.

This past week, I endured many battles. The hardest of which included helping another fellow Dreamer. There's not many of us out there, so when I do come across one, I do my best to assist in ANY way I can. Even if it means giving my last. But I can't want it for you, I can only assist.

Two scriptures came to mind tonight...

Proverbs 3:5 (NLT)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths."

Trust me. I don't know ANYTHING. I admitted that before. This world is crazy. There's so much I don't understand, but at the same time, everything happens for a reason. But Life is beyond Reason. So...what now? Well, I pray on it and keep it moving. I keep fighting. I keep chasing. I just do what I got to do. Often times, I chase and fight without even knowing the result. I just know God got it covered.

Habakkuk 3 (NLT)

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."

This helps me on my chase. We have to keep chasing, even if it feels like it's for nothing. Even if progress seems to have slowed to a standstill. We still have to push forward. A lot of people will doubt, hate, mislead, do ANYTHING to keep you from pursuing your Dream. But YOU KNOW your soul. YOU KNOW what's been instilled in you. Don't become a victim. Don't walk amongst the living dead.

DO NOT SETTLE!!! Refusing to chase a Dream is weak and selfish. That's one of the many lessons that I had to learn on this journey. I had to learn that it's beyond me. My Dream involves others. This year has been a true testament to that. If I fail, others will fail. If I succeed, many others will do the same. It's a web. A Dream is a blessing. And guess what?...blessing has a way of overflowing. It overflows to those around you. Chasing a Dream is not only an assignment from God, it is a duty.

You can pray for anything you want, but God gave us free will. We have to make that choice. The Chosen Ones are those who choose to be chosen...

I don't mean to come off so.... militant. But, it is a war. We are caught in the middle of spiritual warfare. Acknowledge it or not, it's going down. Don't be a victim. I'm fighting with you. Don't give up. I am here.... :)

Just a reminder. Keep dreaming. You will get there...

Goodnight.

Dreamer

A Tongue’s Twisted Ways...

2007-12-29T18:45:00.001-06:00

A Tongue's Twisted Ways...

....Life is about many things, two of which includes living and learning. One excellent strategy I've noticed from Life...Life doesn't reveal what you know, but what you DON'T know. And more and more, day by day, I'm learning that I don't know ANYTHING! Everything I thought I knew, I really don't know. So, I'm sitting here like a sitting duck, twilling my thumbs, shutting up. I am DONE. Simply done.

James 3:7-8 (NLT)

"People can tame all kinds of animals and birds and reptiles and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is an uncontrollable evil, full of poison."

Of course, I recommend you go back and read the whole chapter in context to gain a full understanding. But, for now...I'm done. I don't even know why people even come to me with questions, because I have to be honest, I'm still trying to figure this thang out myself. I'm young, too. I know I act like I'm 55, but I'm still only 25. So, what do I know?

I'm not the type to go out and recklessly cuss out everyone I despise. No...that's too much work. I rather look at you like you're crazy and walk away. Not even give it a second thought. Over the years, I trained my mind to quickly grasp what I need to learn or gain from an experience, then move on to the next. I know I'm flawed. Call it impersonal. Call it insincere...and it may be. It really could be. But, I call it being time efficient. Life is way too short to dwell on what has past. ...but, all this is just my opinion. Not a fact. So, with this type of mentality, I become somewhat impatient and lack an understanding when people take longer than what I think is usual for someone to move on. And I will admit... that is wrong on my part.

Anyway... this is just a rant. All in all, I'm just trying to say, I think it's best for me to be silent. Even when you have good intentions, wrong choice of words can slip out and hurt someone. Words can deliver blows harder than a fist ever could.

Now that is off my chest. I'm going to put some duct tape over my mouth, poke a hole in the middle so I can fit a straw through, and sip on some orange juice and read a book.

Log out...

Excerpt of a Conversation…

2007-12-29T18:44:00.001-06:00

Excerpt of a Conversation…

The queen spoke, "Question."

"Yes?"

"Why do you think I'm the One?"

I paused for a moment, thinking thoroughly before speaking. Then, I walked directly to her and looked into her eyes.

"Because whenever I say your name when you're not around… I glow.
My eyes light up.
My feet float.
My tongue only speaks praises…

Look…I don't know what the future holds.
I have no expectations, because I don't know what to expect.
I just want to be next to you. "

And I continued, "A wise teacher once said, 'She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions.' And I think I finally found that."

(Her silence said enough. I couldn't help but to smile.)

"Good day, Queen."

I walked away…

Sense of Faith

2007-12-29T18:43:00.002-06:00

Sense of Faith

Hebrews 11:1
(NLT version)

"What is Faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see."

"we cannot yet see"…which means will eventually see. Not "hope to see" or "maybe see", but "will see." Faith is not a figment of your imagination. Faith may be intangible, but it is real. As a Dreamer, you need that reminder.

My Dreams consist of many things. One of them, I realize I cannot have right now. I can look, but I can't touch. It sucks…

I really dislike wanting something I cannot have.
I go through a variety of emotions…hurt, sadness, doubt.
But, what can I do?
I have to shake it off and let it go. I have to keep pushing forward.
…it still hurts, but I must push on.

Then, I remember… I WILL HAVE, because Faith said so.

The Battle Within

2007-12-29T18:43:00.001-06:00

The Battle Within

I'm knee-deep in thoughts I can't explain

Whoever said life is stranger than fiction

Now, I understand

I'm experiencing feelings I rarely felt before

I think I'm falling in love, but I'm not really sure

My head is a wreck because I don't know which road to go

What society deems right, doesn't feel so right anymore

I'm telling and begging my heart that she isn't the one.

But these feelings I cannot avoid

These feelings I cannot ignore

So, what the heck should I do?

When I dream, all I see is me and you

Is it possible for us to love each other?

We're the same yet we're opposite

We're live in two different worlds

So I keep these feelings on a short, tight lease

But the more I tug, the more these feelings act like a beast

How long can I keep this up?

How long can I keep these feelings down?

My feelings are way too deep

It may be too late to turn around

As I keep pushing forward

The tunnel is looking dark

I don't know where I'm going

I don't know where we are

All I know, is these feelings are for you

If your heart can hear me, blow me a kiss or two

Of all the confusion, I know a few things are true

(singing)

That the stars in your eyes, lights up my sky

Your southern accent carries like the sweetest lullaby

So strong, yet so soft

The perfect companion by my side

You are my queen…

These feelings for you that I carry are heavy

But I don't mind

For I know that all great things take time

We'll meet eye to eye in God's appropriate time…

The King's Garden

2007-12-29T18:42:00.000-06:00

The King's Garden

The King invited me to His garden to see His latest harvest.

He said I can choose any fruit out His garden, but I can only choose one.

Many are good, but only one was specifically made for me.

I'm thinking, "Great. But am I a little old to play hide-and-seek? Why don't go ahead and show me the one set aside for me?"

The King smiled…

Right then, I knew He just read my thoughts.

Not holding my sarcasm against me, the King just says, "Seek and you shall find."

His garden is so vast and beautiful.

So many fruits to choose from

Only one choice to make.

How can I choose only one when I'm in love with so many?

I love her thoughts

I love her hair

Fruit 01
I love her…eyes.
That's the few pair of parts on a woman that ever capture my attention. (smirk)

Fruit 02
I love the way she hugs me SOOOO tight, every time she greets me. I could hug her forever and a day.

Fruit 03
I love her ideas. I never have seen a woman's mind that is as spontaneous and artistic as mine. I find it so sexy, because she puts those ideas to action as quickly as she gets them. Gotta love her drive.

Fruit 04
I love the way she cooks. She always seasons her food with passion and love. Perfect every time…

Fruit 05
I love her "I'm a grown woman" attitude. She has a walk that syncs with my heartbeat. She walks up to me, looks dead in my eyes…they're so serious, yet so sexy. All she says is "Dreamer, it's about that time…" Never so quickly, I shut down my computer, close down the studio, put up equipment and float up the stairs.

Fruit 06
I just love the way she's made, everything about her from head to the toes. I love her curvy figure and perfect imperfections. A beautiful, walking art piece only the King himself can make. When she enters a room, it smells of fresh fruit and cocoa butter. Sensual, yet delicious. It may not make sense, but she grabs the attention of all my senses.

Fruit 07
I love her understanding ways. The way she falls back and standby. Her attitude of assistance, rather than interfere.

Fruit 08
I love seeing her relationship with God mature. I love it when she calls randomly with questions about what she read and how God is in control. I love seeing the difference of how she reacts to certain situations. I love how she prays first instead of throwing a bow.

I love them all…but will I ever find all those characteristics in one?

Seem like a pipe dream, but I continue to search through the garden. And continue my search for the fruit set aside for me.

I'm a Dreamer…I always find what I believe.